The Lord gives me strength…to pulverise opponents with my drive volley!
Hello possums!
Margaret ‘best on’ Court here. I understand there has recently been somewhat of a ‘backlash’ from certain flamboyant minority groups regarding my stance on ‘faggots’ and I would like to set things ‘straight’ (<—-this is a very enjoyable little play on words). If you have recently had the misfortune to be struck down with temporary gayness I urge you to FEAR NOT as the Lord is with you as am I and yea let it verily be known that my topspin forehand doth prevail amongst sinners.
1. Breathe deeply.
Friend, it is NOT YOUR FAULT you are a gay. Clearly some degenerate (possibly a black) told you at an impressionable age that being a gay was a ‘fashionable’ thing to do and all of a sudden there you were with your Pop Watches and your Hungry Hungry Hippo boardgames and your Boy George LPs thinking it was ‘trendy’ to be sexual with somebody who shared a matching doodle/fan-fan. Brush off this influence and move forth with your good Christian life. It is important to know that TRENDS PASS which is why being a gay is simply a fleeting fad, like tapas and Michael Buble.
2. Read the Bible.
Not, of course, the bits about a man having sex with a menstruating woman and both being ‘cut off from their people’ or when Moses tells the people of Israel that they musn’t eat rabbit or fish. While we’re here, you should probably also bypass the part about not cutting your hair or shaving, and that passage about killing anyone in your family if they even suggest worshipping another God HAHAHA that JC is such a card sometimes!
3. Stop tearing apart the moral fabric of society.
Srsly, you guys! Cut that shit out!
4. Don’t be friends with other gays.
Look, I love ‘them’. I even work with ‘them’. I enjoy ‘them’ so much I refer to them as ‘them’ so as not to confuse them with ‘us’, the normal people who like sex in the practical, non-anal way.
p.s. I do not let ‘them’ touch me.
5. Turn to Jesus and you will win stuff at sports.
If I knew then what I knew now I could have won six Wimbledons, not three. The Lord helps those who turn to Him, and He helps them by rewarding them with trophies and awesomely muscular calves. Do you realise that every single member of the Geelong Football Club is a card-carrying fundamentalist Christian who loves Jesus and hates abortions? Yea, and verily that is how they did break down Collingwood’s strategic ‘box formation’ during the 2011 Grand Final.
6. Make sure somebody at some stage of your life beats the living shit out of you.
Because once when I was quite young a lovely nun hit me very hard with a stick and just look at me! I turned out completely norma OH MY GOD SOMEBODY SHOOT DOWN THAT FLYING DONUT and yea let it be known that if more people were like ol' Margaret the world would be a nicer place.
‘Til next time, children!
